I was asleep way too late, and I am awake way to early. I can't clean or pack because that would wake the house, so I will write about what is preventing me from sleep.

 I am feeling what is probably, unnecessary stress about this trip back to B.C. I fear we are unwanted and unwelcome, that all the rooms at my parents house will be full and there will be no place for us to sleep. I worry that family and friends will be too busy and disinterested to see us. What if we hate the miserable weather and don't feel home there. What if we don't want to move back. I want my parents to be happy to have us. I don't want to burden them, or cause them stress at our being there. I feel I have few years left with them and I want to build positive memories for my children and myself. I don't want to be forgotten so soon.

If we move back then I can help care for them in the upcoming years. I can clean for them, and cook, and do the things that are becoming physically hard for them. I fear that they might not want my help though. What if positive memories are forgotten and the negative moments of my youth and early adulthood are hung on to? Isn't that often how it is? The really good times are not as clear in our memories as all the difficult or unpleasant memories. I'm really not trying to be a cynic. Isn't it ridiculous that at my age and this point in my life I should be concerned about how my parents feel for me. It must be middle child syndrome. I know they love me, I just don't know if they want me living near them. There is more on this subject I wish I could say, but I really shouldn't.