Mid Life Crisis, maybe

 I think I may have hit a bit of a mid life crisis, or maybe just wishing for my lost youth.
  I grew up with the idea that all I wanted was to get married and have a family. That is not all I wanted, just what I wanted most. I imagined traveling to foreign countries, before I had children, working in humanitarian aid, or volunteering in orphanages. Anything really that had to do with being somewhere far away where I could do some service and gain great life experience. It didn't happen, which of course is due to other choices I made.
 I got married when I was 24, which isn't particularly young, but I expected to have accomplished much more before then. I was so happy to have found the perfect husband in Christopher and eager to start a family with him. I really thought that being a mother would bring me such bliss. Since Chris and I got along so well and never fought, then of corse our children would be the same. We would never have to yell at them, and they would always be obedient and sweet with only small bouts of humorous mischief. They would adore us and each other, and never yell or fight. I really did think this.
 Well it hasn't been that way. In fact it's been quite the opposite. It is a daily struggle in our home. The kids fight and cry a lot. I am not remotely patient and I yell too much. My kids are not perfect either. My oldest struggles with great anxiety, and frequent emotional distress. So far both my older girls have had a hard time academically, with poor attention spans, and Lilli the inability to sit still for more than five minutes at a time. Violet, my youngest we call "Little giant" or "Violent Violet". She is ferocious and aggressive. She hits, bites, spits, and yells, and makes monstrous messes. I have little complaints about Leif, other then he whines a fair bit and can be too affectionate.
 Now all this might sound harsh, but I bet most of my parent friends do not have perfect families either. They may even have angry and negative feelings towards their children at times. I am sure I am not alone here. But truly I cannot say that I have joy in motherhood. I can almost hear the gasp. I'm just being honest. There are moments of joy, like holding a sweet, sleeping newborn, and when our children say loving things to us. When we have fun family days, spent at the beach or anywhere that we enjoy together. But those are just moments. Even "fun days" do not go complaint free.
 Maybe if I had more breaks, I would have stronger feelings of affection and warmth. Chris and I last went away alone when I was newly pregnant with Violet. That would be 3 years ago! I do get little bits of freedom. I shop alone when I can, for years I attended yoga classes to calm, and give me a peaceful escape. So much of why I enjoy long runs, is because I don't want to go home until the kids are in bed. I have been lucky to have a capable and willing husband. He never complains when I run out the door as he returns from work. Is this selfish of me? If it were the 60's it certainly would be. Christopher always says "a happy wife is a happy life."
 Lately though I have been feeling like those few hours of freedom, a few days a week is not enough. Maybe it is because I just spent a solid month alone with my children. It's knowing that if I go out with my friends, there is a babysitter waiting at my house and I can't stay out all night. I can't on a whim hop in a car and drive down to San Francisco with friends, for the weekend. I miss that so much. I miss road trips without kids,  and late nights out dancing or going to concerts. Just not worrying that I have dependents waiting at home for me. Is this what makes a mid life crisis? I really don't know and there is little I can do about it.
 I also miss having Christopher to myself. I know when the kids go to bed we can be alone, but I want more. I think back to our short courtship. Those were great times. The newness and excitement of our relationship. The butterflies I would get when we held hands and our first kisses. Even hearing his voice on the other end of the phone when he was in Utah and I in B.C, gave me such a thrill. I really miss that. I love my sweet husband so much more now, and all our joint life experiences have brought us closer together and strengthened our love. I cannot imagine a life without him, nor do I want to. But… I don't know. I just want the old days back. I want to be in my early 20's again, just for a little while. I want Christopher and I to fall in love again, and maybe have more time alone, traveling before we start having kids.
 I got pregnant the second month of marriage because I knew I wanted a bunch of kids, and I didn't want to be an old mom. Now I am doing all I can to be fit and healthy so I can be a young mom. But I am 35 and there is nothing I can do about it.
 I am going to end this entry here because there is no resolution. I can not turn back time. I just need to suck it up and get on with life, love my children and be happy with my circumstance and maybe some time I will get a little break.